Is it Disruptive or Age Appropriate? A Look at Common Early Childhood Behaviors 

Parenting is a journey filled with countless questions and concerns about your child’s behavior. Understanding what is typical at different stages of development can help you set realistic expectations and guide your responses positively and effectively. This guide aims to provide a comprehensive overview of age-appropriate behaviors for children under seven, along with strategies for managing disruptive behaviors and knowing when to seek professional help. 

Key Takeaways

• Understanding Age-Appropriate Behaviors Helps Nurture a Child’s Development Effectively
• Each Child’s Unique Growth Pattern Should Inform Your Expectations and Responses
• Communicating With Educators and Healthcare Professionals Can Provide Additional Support for Navigating Behavioral Issues
• Behavioral Disruptions Can Be Indicative of Underlying Issues, Warranting a Patient and Empathetic Approach
• Healthy Social and Emotional Development Is Fostered by Tailored Guidance and Support From Parents and Caregivers

Defining Developmentally Appropriate, Age Appropriate, and Disruptive Behaviors 

Unrealistic Expectations Make Parenting More Difficult 

One of the most significant challenges parents face is distinguishing between developmentally appropriate, age-appropriate, and disruptive behaviors. Setting unrealistic expectations can lead to frustration and stress for both you and your child. It’s crucial to understand that behaviors that might seem problematic or annoying can often be typical for a particular age. 

Why are Developmentally Appropriate Expectations Important? 

Developmentally appropriate expectations consider the cognitive, emotional, and social milestones that children generally reach at specific ages. Recognizing these milestones helps you understand why your child behaves in certain ways. For instance, toddlers often display separation anxiety due to their developing attachment needs. Acknowledging this can foster a compassionate response rather than an overreaction. 

Why are Age Appropriate Expectations Important? 

Age-appropriate expectations focus on what children are likely to achieve based on their chronological age. This framework helps ensure that the demands placed upon children are neither too high nor too low, promoting their best possible adjustment and growth. Understanding what behaviors are typical at each age helps create a nurturing and supportive environment. 

Age Appropriate Baby Behavior

Babies, from birth to 12 months, are entirely dependent on their caregivers for survival and reassurance. During this stage, they are rapidly developing sensory and motor skills, and their behaviors are primarily reflexive and responsive to their needs. Typical behaviors include: 

• Crying: The primary mode of communication to express hunger, discomfort, or the need for a diaper change. 
• Smiling and Eye Contact: These are early signs of social engagement, typically emerging around 6 to 8 weeks of age. 
• Grasping and Holding: By around 4 to 6 months, babies begin to reach out and grab objects. This is part of their motor skill development. 
• Crawling and Sitting: Most babies learn to sit without support and start crawling between 6 to 10 months. 

Unrealistic expectations at this stage could manifest as frustration over frequent nighttime awakenings or the constant need for attention. Understanding these behaviors as typical can help you respond with patience and care. 

Age Appropriate Toddler Behavior

Toddlers, aged 1 to 3 years, are exploring their independence and testing boundaries. They are developing language skills, fine and gross motor skills, and a sense of self. Common behaviors during this period include: 

• Tantrums: Often a result of frustration due to limited verbal skills and a strong desire for autonomy. 
• Exploratory Play: Toddlers are curious and engage in activities that help them understand their environment. 
• Speech Development: Rapid vocabulary growth and the beginning of simple sentences. 
• Parallel Play: Playing alongside but not directly with other children. 

Recognizing these behaviors as part of normal development can help you set boundaries and provide a secure environment for your child to explore and grow. 

Understanding Tantrums: Normal vs. Disruptive 

Tantrums can be a typical part of toddler development as they navigate their burgeoning independence and frustration. However, distinguishing between a normal tantrum and one that might signal a deeper issue is essential for effective parenting. 

Normal Tantrum Examples: 

• Brief Duration: A toddler might throw a tantrum lasting 5-10 minutes because they were denied a snack before dinner. They may cry, stomp their feet, or lie on the floor, but they can be soothed with gentle words or distraction techniques. 
• Triggered by Frustration: When a 2-year-old wanted to play with a toy that another child is using, they may scream and cry out of frustration. Despite the intensity, they generally calm down once they get used to the situation or are offered another activity. 
• Occasional Incidents: A 3-year-old might have a tantrum in a supermarket because they cannot get a preferred item. These episodes, while embarrassing, are infrequent and typically resolved with consistent parenting practices like setting clear boundaries and using timeouts. 

Disruptive Tantrum Examples: 

• Extended Duration: A toddler who cannot soothe themselves even after 30 minutes of intense crying and screaming, regardless of gentle intervention, might exhibit a disruptive tantrum. Parents should consider professional advice if such prolonged episodes are frequent. 
• Extreme Self-Harm: A concerning sign is when a child repeatedly causes self-injury, such as banging their head against a wall or floor, biting themselves intensely, or showing signs of distress that cannot be alleviated through typical comforting methods. 
• High Frequency: If tantrums occur multiple times a day and significantly disrupt daily routines, this pattern may be indicative of underlying issues. In such cases, consulting a healthcare provider or a behavior analyst can help identify and address potential concerns. 
• Aggression Towards Others: Severe hitting, biting, or kicking other children or adults during tantrums can be more than typical age-appropriate behavior. These actions might suggest the need for a structured behavioral intervention. 

Understanding these distinctions can help you respond appropriately and seek help when necessary, ensuring your child’s emotional and behavioral development stays on track. 

Age Appropriate Preschooler Behavior

Preschoolers, aged 3 to 5 years, are refining their social skills, developing friendships, and learning to follow rules. Their behavior often reflects their growing autonomy and cognitive abilities. Typical behaviors include: 

• Imaginative Play: Engaging in pretend play, which is crucial for cognitive and social development. 
• Expressing Emotions: Preschoolers are learning to identify and verbalize their emotions, which can sometimes result in mood swings. 
• Rule Following: Beginning to understand and follow simple rules and routines. 
• Peer Relationships: Starting to form friendships and learn cooperative play. 

Setting clear, consistent expectations and reinforcing positive behaviors during this stage can help build a strong foundation for future social interactions. 

Age Appropriate Defiance in Preschoolers 

Preschoolers often showcase defiant behaviors as they assert their growing independence and test the boundaries set by caregivers. This behavior is a normal part of development and includes actions such as refusing to follow instructions, expressing a strong preference for autonomy, and occasionally arguing with adults. Defiance helps preschoolers learn about limits and develop self-control. Typical defiant behaviors include: 

• Saying “No” Frequently: Preschoolers may often say “no” to requests, expressing their newfound sense of self and independence. 
• Ignoring Instructions: Deliberately ignoring instructions or pretending not to hear could be a way to exert control over their environment. 
• Temper Tantrums: While less frequent than in toddlerhood, preschoolers might still throw tantrums, particularly when they are frustrated by limits or denied independence. 
• Testing Boundaries: They may push limits by engaging in minor rule-breaking, such as taking extra time at bedtime or sneaking extra cookies. 

While defiance can be a normal and healthy part of development, parents should become concerned when behaviors become extreme or persistent, indicating possible underlying issues. Signs that might necessitate professional advice include: 

• Excessive Aggressiveness: Continual physical aggression towards peers, siblings, or caregivers beyond typical squabbles signals a need for concern. 
• Frequent and Prolonged Tantrums: Tantrums that are prolonged (lasting over 20 minutes) and happen multiple times per day might indicate deeper emotional or developmental issues. 
• Consistent Non-Compliance: A child who persistently refuses to follow instructions and seems unable to adhere to routine tasks and rules, even with age-appropriate expectations and consistency, could benefit from further evaluation. 
• Disruptive to Daily Life: If defiance significantly disrupts daily routines, causing constant stress and difficulty for the family, professional support may be necessary. 
• Self-Harm: Any behavior that includes self-injurious actions, such as hitting their head on walls or biting themselves, warrants immediate attention from a healthcare provider. 

Understanding the nuances of age-appropriate defiance can empower parents to set reasonable boundaries, provide consistent discipline, and seek help when necessary, ensuring their child’s well-being and healthy development. 

Age Appropriate School-Age Behavior

Children aged 6 to 7 are entering a period of more structured learning and increased social interaction. They are developing a stronger sense of self and others, which is reflected in their behavior. Typical behaviors include: 

• Increased Independence: Demonstrating a desire to complete tasks and solve problems on their own. 
• Enhanced Social Skills: Improving in sharing, taking turns, and empathetic interactions. 
• Curiosity and Learning: Showing interest in learning new things and asking more complex questions. 
• Emotional Regulation: Better control over their emotions, although they may still need support in managing disappointment or frustration. 

Supporting your child’s independence and encouraging their curiosity through positive reinforcement can help them thrive during these formative years. 

Atypical School-Age Behavior 

While school-age children often display a wide range of behaviors as they navigate their growing independence and social worlds, certain actions can be indicative of underlying issues that may require attention. Understanding what constitutes atypical behavior in children aged 6 to 7 years can help parents and caregivers intervene early and seek appropriate support. Signs of atypical behavior include: 

• Persistent Aggression: If a child frequently displays aggressive behaviors such as hitting, kicking, or bullying peers beyond occasional conflicts, this may signal emotional or social difficulties that need addressing. 
• Extreme Withdrawal: While some children are naturally introverted, a child who consistently isolates themselves, avoids social interactions, and appears excessively shy may benefit from support to enhance their social skills and emotional well-being. 
• Difficulty with Attention and Focus: Struggling consistently to focus, pay attention, or stay on task in a variety of settings, including at school and home, could indicate attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or another underlying issue. 
• Learning Difficulties: A noticeable gap between a child’s academic performance and their peers, including difficulty understanding or retaining new information, might suggest a learning disability. Professional evaluation and intervention can help manage these challenges effectively. 
• Emotional Dysregulation: Frequent and intense emotional outbursts, extreme mood swings, or prolonged periods of sadness and anxiety may require further evaluation to rule out anxiety disorders, depression, or other mental health concerns. 
• Developmental Regression: Any regression in developmental milestones, such as language skills, motor skills, or social behaviors, can be a red flag for potential neurological or psychological conditions. 
• Sleep Disturbances: Chronic difficulties in falling asleep, staying asleep, or experiencing nightmares can affect a child’s overall well-being and may be symptomatic of anxiety or other underlying conditions. 

When to Seek Professional Help

Parents should consider seeking professional advice if they observe any of the aforementioned signs, especially if these behaviors: 

• Persist over time and do not seem to improve with standard parental guidance or behavioral strategies. 
• Significantly disrupt the child’s daily life, including their ability to participate in school and social activities. 
• Cause ongoing stress or concern for the family, affecting family dynamics and overall quality of life. 

Consulting with a pediatrician, child psychologist, or behavioral specialist can provide a clearer understanding of the child’s needs and guide parents towards appropriate interventions or therapies. Early identification and support can be crucial in helping children overcome challenges and promote healthy development during these formative years. 

Setting Age Appropriate and Developmentally Appropriate Expectations 

Setting realistic, age-appropriate expectations is vital for your child’s sense of accomplishment and self-esteem. For instance, expecting a preschooler to share toys effortlessly may be unrealistic, but encouraging turn-taking during play can be a more achievable goal. Understanding typical behaviors and milestones for your child’s age can help you set appropriate expectations. 

Age-appropriate expectations are essential to fostering a child’s development and ensuring they feel successful. When children are held to standards within their developmental capabilities, they are more likely to experience growth and positive self-esteem. For instance, toddlers are just beginning to develop language skills and social understanding, so expecting them to engage in cooperative play with minimal conflict may be unrealistic. Instead, guiding them in parallel play—where they play alongside peers without direct interaction—can set a more manageable expectation. Similarly, during the early school years, children are developing their ability to focus on tasks for more extended periods; therefore, breaking homework into shorter, manageable segments can align better with their developmental stage.  

Recognizing that each child develops at their own pace is also critical. Factors including temperament, individual interests, and any developmental delays or advancements should be factored into what is considered appropriate for each child. By observing and understanding your child’s unique abilities and challenges, you can tailor your expectations to support their development actively. Providing support and encouragement for each small achievement builds their confidence and helps establish a positive foundation for learning and behavior. As children grow, consistently adjusting expectations in accordance with their maturing cognitive, emotional, and social skills will aid in promoting a healthy and supportive developmental environment. 

How to Handle Disruptive Behaviors

Look at the Impact

When addressing disruptive behavior, it’s crucial to consider the impact on both your child and the family environment. Disruptive behaviors can range from mild defiance to more problematic actions like aggression. Observing how these behaviors affect daily life can guide your response strategies.

For example, if a child’s refusal to follow instructions causes constant stress and conflict within the family, intervention may be necessary. However, minor behavioral issues that do not significantly impact daily routines may be addressed with positive parenting techniques. 

Establish Clear Boundaries

Creating clear boundaries can help children understand expectations and consequences for their actions. Clearly communicating rules and expectations can help prevent misunderstandings or confusion that might lead to defiant behavior. Consistently enforcing these boundaries through appropriate discipline methods can also reinforce what is acceptable behavior in different settings. 

Praise Positive Behavior 

Positive reinforcement can be a powerful tool in promoting desired behaviors. Praising and rewarding children for positive actions can motivate them to continue those behaviors. This technique can also promote a sense of self-worth and confidence in children, which can contribute to their overall emotional well-being. 

Consider the Context 

Understanding the context in which disruptive behavior occurs is essential. Factors such as changes in routine, overstimulation, or unmet needs can trigger such behaviors. Identifying these triggers can help you modify the environment to reduce occurrences. 

Remember Their Age 

Always keep your child’s developmental stage in mind when responding to disruptive behavior. For example, expecting a toddler to sit still for extended periods can be unrealistic given their developmental need for movement and exploration. 

Ask for Help Early 

Seeking professional guidance early can prevent minor issues from becoming significant problems. Consulting with a pediatrician, behavior analyst, or child psychologist can provide strategies tailored to your child’s needs and help you navigate challenging behaviors effectively. 

Monitor Behaviors 

Consistently monitoring your child’s behavior over time can help you identify patterns and triggers. Keeping a behavior diary can be a useful tool for tracking behavior, responses, and outcomes, which can inform more effective intervention strategies. 

When to Consult a Behavior Analyst

Behavior analysts specialize in understanding and addressing challenging behaviors using evidence-based strategies. Consider consulting a board certified behavior analyst (BCBA) if: 

• Significant Disruption of Daily Routines: Your child’s behavior significantly disrupts daily routines or poses safety concerns. If behavioral issues interfere with essential activities like mealtimes, bedtime routines, or family gatherings, a BCBA can help develop structured plans to manage and mitigate these disruptions. 
• Persistent Challenges: There is a persistent challenge in managing typical developmental behaviors. If your child struggles with behaviors such as tantrums, aggression, or self-injurious actions that do not improve with standard parenting techniques, a BCBA can provide specialized support and intervention strategies tailored to your child’s needs. 
• Tailored Support: You need tailored strategies to support your child’s specific needs. Each child is unique, and a BCBA can design individualized behavior intervention plans (BIPs) that address the particular challenges your child faces. These plans often include positive reinforcement, skill-building activities, and personalized techniques to promote desired behaviors. 
• Guidance on Reinforcement: You seek guidance on reinforcing positive behaviors and implementing effective interventions. BCBAs can train parents and caregivers on how to consistently apply positive reinforcement, create and maintain structured environments, and use data-driven methods to track progress and adjust strategies as needed. 
• Comprehensive Assessments: Behavior analysts conduct thorough assessments to identify the underlying causes of challenging behaviors. Through Functional Behavior Assessments (FBAs) and other evaluation tools, BCBAs determine why certain behaviors occur and develop targeted interventions to address these root causes. 
• Skill Development: BCBAs can assist in building essential life skills that may be lacking. For instance, if a child has difficulty with social interactions, communication, or self-care tasks, behavior analysts can implement programs that teach and reinforce these vital skills. 
• School Collaboration: If disruptive behaviors are also observed in school settings, BCBAs can collaborate with educators to create consistent support strategies across home and school environments. This collaboration ensures that intervention plans are cohesive and effective in all areas of the child’s life. 
• Crisis Management: In cases of severe behavioral issues that pose immediate safety risks, behavior analysts can provide crisis intervention and management strategies. These procedures help to de-escalate situations and protect both the child and others around them. 

Consulting a BCBA can be a proactive step towards understanding and managing challenging behaviors, ultimately promoting a healthier and more harmonious development for your child. Early intervention and consistent support are key components in fostering positive outcomes and improving your child’s quality of life. 

Conclusions

As a parent, it’s essential to be aware of your child’s behavior and recognize when certain behaviors may need professional attention. Seeking help early can lead to better outcomes for children and their families. By understanding the impact of disruptive behavior, setting appropriate expectations, and using positive reinforcement techniques, parents can effectively guide their child’s development and promote overall well-being.

Remember that each child is unique, and consulting with professionals can provide valuable insights into addressing challenging behaviors while supporting your child’s individual growth journey. Overall, by being informed and proactive in addressing disruptive behavior, parents can positively influence their child’s social-emotional development and overall quality of life. So don’t hesitate to consult a behavior analyst if you have concerns or need support in managing challenging behaviors, as they are trained to provide specialized strategies and interventions that can make a significant difference for your child.

Together, you can work towards creating a supportive and nurturing environment for your child’s growth and success.  

Additional Resources

The Importance of Early Intervention for Children with Challenging Behaviors  

What is Positive Reinforcement and How Does it Work? 

Association for Behavior Analysis International  

National Institute of Mental Health  

References

• Cooper, J. O., Heron, T. E., & Heward, W. L. (2020). Applied Behavior Analysis (3rd ed.). Pearson. 
• Miltenberger, R.G. (2015). Behavior Modification: Principles and Procedures (6th ed.). Cengage Learning. 
• National Autism Center (2015). Findings and Conclusions: National Standards Project, Phase 2. Randolph, MA: National Autism Center. 
• Vismara, L., Rogers, S. J., & Amaral, D. (2010). Dissemination of evidence-based practice: Can we train therapists from a distance? Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 40(12), 1631-1646. 
• Wacker D.P., Berg W.K., Harding J.W. (2007) Effective Programs for Children with Behavior Problems in Schools and Communities. In Roberts M.C. & Steele R.G. (eds) Handbook of Mental Health Services for Children, Adolescents, and Families. Springer, Boston, MA.